Wish I could just say what I’ve been bottling because right now and tonight it is killing me…
Agggh i feel like i annoy you so much sometimes by how much i wanna talk to you, but ehen i try and back a way just a little i feel like i upset you and that even worse…. I really dont know how to balance it between keeping a friendly distnace and also showing the fact taht you mean so much to me like ALOT… My head hurts and i just wanna hang out all day again and watch shitty tv and buy pops i cant afford.
I keep telling myself I really dont want to be with you, its just me remebering old stuff and I wanna help you fix things with him but honestly something deep down in my bones just wont lay down and die. Im trying I honestly am because I cant lose you so I cant think like that but it really is so hard and every time I get no reply or something I just feel like im being completely forgotten and I know its so stupid.. and I somehow think a cute redhead can save my mind, because that went so well last time. These last few month have been kinda lame but you being still in my life has made them bearable. So like I said I just have to try harder and think with my head and not my heart
I dont think I ever actually put into words what i felt back then, i put silly things like ‘upset someone’ or ‘acted retarded’ but what i actually did was break someones heart and years later i acted all hurt when they did the same to me. I deserved it. I may not have been a one night stand type of guy but i was still a bad guy. I always acted like i believed in destiny and when it did come knocking i laughed in its face and pretended it wasn’t because i was young and wanted to get with someone. That’s it essentially. Then time went on and i grew up abit and when i finally took a step back and looked and this cute, awkward young lady who loved Star Wars and when she went out of her way to make me feel wanted i got scared, Honestly i am not used to being wanted, Two girls before her, i kinda cared about only to be told later that both times i let my heart go those two girls felt sorry for me and that was all… So there i was 18 and stood in front of the most amazing and beautiful girl who related me to her Han Solo and how could i not want to fall for that so hard, and i did.
So now you ask whats the problem? Happily ever after? No, i couldn’t help let the past make me terrified of losing her and thats what happened… Long story short, everyone who has ever meant anything to me besides my parents have usually left me. (Here in 2015 neither of my grandparents on both sides still living seem to consider i actually exist because of feuds within the family, My eldest sister has settled in Austraulia and only remembers i exist when my birthday comes round and my other sister is always trying to make up for the fact she ran away from home when we were younger and me being the spiteful bastard i am i choose to push her away whenever i can) Because of the past and family i have that loathe me i push away with my whole heart whenever i can. I pushed Emma away a long time ago and broke her heart. I would give anything to right that wrong, to tell her that she meant everything to me, that i was terrified she was pretending to like me so that she could laugh with her friends about this loser she met… But that’s not who she was, she was a sweet, kind and cute young girl and all i did was hurt her feelings.
I’m glad she left me for someone who made her smile, laugh and just overall brought out the best in her, that girl deserves the best and she doesn’t believe it but i know she does, she doesn’t deserve all the grief and heartache she gets shes earned that smile and I just like the fact i can still be around to see it. In all honesty, i’m happiest when she’s happy. Maybe i was never meant to be Hers, the guy that was always there when she needs someone to brighten her day, or kiss her when shes feeling blue or just being the guy who means the world to her. But i was her Han Solo at one point, and I’m still a scruffy looking nerf herder and she’s still in my life, so as bad as i feel lately I’ll keep holding on and just look out for the Princess and be the charming smuggler that protects her when i can. She will always mean the world to me no matter what.
Who Knows maybe i could be someones Star-Lord…
Honestly this blog can be the source of upset for alot of things, so im just glad you found something in here that makes you smile… Just wish i could have actually done that in person all those years ago. I can only apologize so many times, but just so you know back then all jokes aside i was most certainly madly in love with you, even if i can never admit it…
I honestly hate myself so much when I realize how much of an idiot I was back then and now I hate myself even more because I once litterally pushed away the closest thing to a soulmate I will ever know. Sigh, sick of all of this, I don’t want anyone, not anymore. Don’t want to find someone new. I just wanna change the past and as I cant do that I just don’t wanna have a future. Ugh.
I honestly can not get your adorable, cute face out of my mind which makes me feel as guilty and horrible as hell but I cant help feels.