25. What’s changed? Not a whole lot, still cripplingy thinking about that one person. Still up the madhouse with anxiety because of my phony relagionships. Check. I can’t really think of one thing that’s changed for the better.. Christmas is round the corner and I’m again aching for just a feeling of companionship maybe a reason to enjoy my empty Christmas day and without it I’m just gonna get drunk and think about the way if could have been with her. The 3rd year in a row. And that shows just how broken I may actually be. When you just want to be broken and miserable yet the world makes you keep going just to become more and more bitter. Guess what I’m saying is Christmas can fucking do one and just leave me be…
When did I just become so hollow? Even people who were so close seem miles away. I don’t know why I can reach out to people anymore I always feel like I’m so worthless and I’ve actually asked for help from people and it just goes over there head and the light gets a little bit dimmer. I don’t really have anyone to talk to so I guess I’ll throw the alphabet at the wall and see what words stick. What do I do? Seriously every relationship I ever had looks like a broken bridge when I look back and I have no one there at the other side cos I’ve screwed up so much. Even when I’m alone I feel that emptiness just crawling at me and when people are around making pleasantries is way harder than it used to be, and again in a position where I feel I can’t ask for help because of my role at work. So that’s it. I’ll just go through sleepless thoughtful nights again wishing I wasn’t me and that somehow things get better like the other optimist who tells that to his friends knowing they deserve the best l… then he turns away and becomes the wreck I am. I just need someone to tell me it’ll be okay…
I hate myself now.
Used to be sarcastic and whimsical and now im just miserable, every time I see people outside of work I just get annoyed and tired. At work I just get stressed out and break down to the point I’m lucky I haven’t been fired… Kinda wanna be fired I’ll be honest. I’ll feel better just go.get 10x worse. Everyone’s gonna leave in the end right? I’ve spent so much money on shit just to try and feel better and all.the while.realising I spent the past year what I thought was helping someone but turns out was just trying to make someone love me.. Yeah I’m that much of a fuck up I’ll admit. I’m like a clock running down slowly and there isn’t any fix.
I think Emma will save me when that’s fucking selfish, she’s happy and I.should leave her the fuck alone
I just wish I could talk to.someone
I’m so sick of breaking down and being miserable.
I’m sick of it all.
What’s the point.
Its not about not having you in my life anymore…
Its not about how I feel exactly the same as I did back then but worse…
Its the fact that back then I got better
And now I’m getting worse and just don’t actually care about anything anymore. I never really thought that my heart belonged to you or any of that soppy crap because that’s not how I saw it, you were my bestfriend and you basically were my heart, whenever I got scared or anxious you were there to hold me up and I was there for you too.
Now I’ve lost that I just don’t know what I’m doing/thinking and I’m definitely not feeling anymore, it’s a horrible thought and I don’t want to die and I’m not going to do anything stupid… But it doesn’t even feel like I’m alive anymore. I don’t enjoy anything. I’m anxious and depressed all the time and worst of all people provably do care enough to talk to but I can only open up to one person and she doesn’t want me around anymore. Feel like I had two hearts and now I’ve got one and being human hasn’t sucked this much in a while. I miss my bestfriend.
All Ive done the past few days is cry myself to sleep. Now I can’t even sleep just do the first bit.
And no matter how hard I try and think about not doing that, I think about never seeing you again and in my head there’s no difference
I was told by my own dad that ‘me and your mother don’t have to worry about you, I told her you were too bright to kill yourself…’
It’s fucking awful that proving that is one of the only reasons I’m still able to.type this.
My heads in more of a mess than usual, I was always scared of the prospect of losing you but now it’s happen… Well I forgot how much it hurts. The worst part is, I haven’t thought about anything other than you for days now and I thought I could go without you… What an idiot…
You told me I to stand on my own to feet and I didn’t realise how hard that was when we’ve been supporting each other for this past year. I can’t believe how much of my life revolved around you, I geniunely feel like there’s a hole in my chest.
Its good that you don’t wanna talk because it would just hurt more knowing your talking but not really there. I always said I wanted to leave this town, and as much as Ive been thinking about it I honestly couldnt leave not without my best friend. Didn’t realise you were literally everything to me, didn’t think I’d ever love someone this much.
I’m really trying but Im just not happy without you it’s even worse this time around. I need her back.in my life because without her I don’t even have one.
I want It all to stop. All I want is you back, your my world. The only reason Im still here is because.of you and without you all I can
think.about is fucking ending…
I’m so fucking fucked up
I.need you Emma.. I’m so fucking scared all I’ve done is.cry and Overthinking killing myself since yesterday
Why won’t it just end.