I still care about you a whole lot and its awkward when i see ‘we’ or ‘us’ un front of you and you give me that pause, like don’t say that shit and i get a lump in my throat and its like time freezes and i feel like a super stupid fuck…. ;/
You once asked me if that story i posted was about us and i admitted it wasn’t, but to be frank our story was a hell of a lot better and was actually us falling for each other. So we may be different now and you may have tried to forget the past but to be honest you will always be one of the most important people in my life and i will always remember how it felt to tell you I love you.
I honestly don’t know if I’m ever going to be over you and that legitimately scares the hell out of me, so for the moment I’m done trying to flirt or be cute with anyone because all i really wanna do is be the one you ask all innocently ‘Can i hold your hand?’ that’s all i want these days and it really hurts and i don’t know how much longer l can pretend to be happy and my old self. All i feel is dead inside and people who used to make me smile i hope to god would leave me alone… I’m pretty fucked to be honest.
So even after a year, A YEAR! I’m still not over you i guess, i try and try with other girls but half the time I have no feels for them whatsover or the other being they’re already madly in love with someone else… Not like i can really blame them can I. You know I felt so empty and alone after being stuck out under the rain with no one to turn to and ironically it was you i messaged first without even thinking, but when you were one of the only people to actually geniuenly care i pushed you away because i honestly don’t want you to, if you did i just would rip my head apart from all these crazy insane feelings. Then there’s this amazing and cute lass, who’s stuck in an unhappy relationship and on one handed it’s better for her to end it and stop him hurting her, but i can understand why dhe won’t, she doesnt want to be lonely. Yet every time she puts it like that i read it like ‘I don’t wanna become you’… I really don’t know, sometimes i actually think about that girl and it’d be cool to take her on a date and all taht cutesy crap, then one night I see a pic of you and i just freak out again. You look so happy and i’m like, i really am a fucking idiot. I could never make you that happy could I… I hating pushing you away, not when what i really wanna do is grab you and never let go. I hate the fact my head and heart always collide, and they are literally never in unison.
So despite having an awesome day, taking another step into getting your name out there and have everyone you work with applauding the work you’ve done. You see one thing, one silly little thing which reminds you how much of an idiot you really are and all that success just fades away and you’re left again thinking I wish things went differently. I guess things never really go to plan but when things do start to shift in your favour, it proves how something so close to your heart can easily break that confidence. Really want to just be happy with what I’ve done and who I am but my mind always goes back there when said thing comes up. How has it been so long and yet still always on my mind. My head really is a very screwed up place to be as of late, so I’m just going to blare music till I forget everything.
I wonder if you ever even just consider me for a second, I mean it’s weird to think for a brief second I could cross your mind and I really wanna know what that moment would bring. How can my head still be such a freaking mess and then I have those moments like what the hell am I even doing with my life! Feels like everyone has someone or some goal that they’re almost at and I’m just sat there like ‘Ok, go off and I’ll just sit around moping’ I don’t want to, but i just feel so lost and left behind for everyone. Hmmmmm, my feelings are haywire and my head isn’t any better, I need some saving…
It is amazingly hard to forget some people, especially when you spent so much time with just the memories in the back of your mind. You can relate anything back to someone, it most likely means that person means quite a bit to you. I ran out of things to do or say to try and make you stay. I am so lost without you though, it’s unreal, i mean i never really thought on it much but the amount you took up my life is insane. What can i even do, you’ve moved on, I know I should do the same but i just don’t want to and it feels like I can’t. God I miss you Emma…